The Neighborhood Threat

For those of you who have been to Wrigley Field, you know about the "trough". Not sure if that is an official nickname or not, but that's what I call the men's pisser at Wrigley. Granted, this was probably the state of the art in Urinal/Latrine Technology, back in 1914, but after nearly 100 years of service, it might be time for an update. Although, it looks like Cub fans are enjoying it anyway.

This is not what I was hoping for when you guys re-united a few years back...

Thanks to cannonball_drum for showing me this... I will take all of your quarters later for this....

Awhile back, hundreds of my dear readers were shocked to hear that I had never seen the movie Slap Shot. I am happy to say that I have finally seen it.

So, how was it?

To quote my old man, "You Bet!" This is a really good movie.

In fact, I was surprised at how good it was. It's brutal, tough and hilarious, totally a "guy movie." And it was written by a lady, Nancy Dowd. It's a great script that doesn't pull any punches, and lets guys be their nasty unflattering selves. This is 2 hours of dudes pissing with the seat down, farting in bed and belching after a beer.

George Roy Hill cast this movie with real Hockey players, mostly because the Hollywood types that wanted in it couldn't skate or play hockey. It was a brilliant move. This movie just feels right, from the gritty shots of the dying steel town the Chiefs call home, to weathered beaten down fans in the in the stands, to the gloriously depressing "victory" parade at the end.

What makes this a great guy movie is the fact that it's really an anti-guy movie. For all the juvenile fun these guys are having, I found myself increasingly repulsed by everything. These guys are mean bastards. Although I found myself yelling "Aw, Yeah!!!" a lot, inside I was saying "oh boy, that's kinda mean, he's gonna get in trouble for that."

Paul Newman has never been so sleazy. Throughout the movie he lies and manipulates his players, his fans, the media and the other team. All the while trying to reconcile things with his ex-wife. I kept rooting for her to stay away from him.

The Hanson Brothers are great. They play idiot-savant goons, Hell-bent on violence and toy race cars. They are oddly innocent as they attack fans, the other team and Coke machines. They are violent but not mean about it, they're simply playing the game the way they think it should be... dirty. Just look at this bizarre locker room scene. (Warning it's full of f-bombs.)

Man, with the Brewers looking the like the Brewers of old (circa 2005), and the Bucks...being the Bucks, and Packers training camp like a million years away... this is indeed the worst time of the year for a WI sports fan.

I just found myself taking this poll:



Amazingly, it didn't make me feel any better. I just kind of of feel hollow and numb. Man, I need a beer or something...

Here's a promo to a British TeeVee show I found starring Cookie McBride. It features many "British" celebrities that I don't know and also one of my favorite singers, Mr. QC Rockitt.

I love the Brits...

Dig d'at Yooper accent, hey!!

Recently, robertaroberts blogged about a cool looking movie. I commented about how I wanted to send my daughter off to the Rock N Roll Camp for Girls someday. robertaroberts heard my pledge and took a step to make that happen. Thank you so much. The shirt rules. I can't wait to see the movie. And Nora is an awesome bass player.

Thanks Lisa for showing me this. That's about the greatest thing ever.

Well, let me just say that taking a picture of a piece of pizza is a lot easier than scurrying low lit animals. I had none of the issues of slow shutter speed or the wrong ISO or any of that. It was great, perhaps I've turned a corner...

Not sure why I took these pictures, but these two big slices of pizza said something to me. Almost as if they were alive... I decided to call the one on the left "Slicey" and the one on the right "Piecey," before my daughter and I ate them.

Nora, who is almost 2, loved eating my new friends. She kept saying, "mo pissa...mo pissa... hot!!!"

Today was all about humility and frustration. We went to the zoo, and for those who know me and keep track of my lovely wife and her adventures, that's twice in 3 days for her and the kids. We went to the annual Milwaukee Zoo Pancake Feed or fundraiser or some such thing. Long line, good pancakes, Usinger's Breakfast Sausage, it was good.

Anyway, I said, "Since we're right here, let's go see some animals," or more specifically, "let's go take a picture of a sloth!" I won't get into my insane reasons for needing to take a picture of sloth right now... but we all decided it would be fun. So off to the Small Mammal House we headed, armed with bellies full of flapjacks and our fairly new Rebel XT camera.

I'm not a professional photographer, but I am a pro video guy... so I fancy myself a pretty good shooter... of video. However, still photography is an amazing art and discipline all to itself. I also know that my camera is no great shakes as far as digital SLRs go, and the little lens that came with it isn't so hot. But for the photography we typically do it's the right camera for us.

So, the Mammal House is quite dark, and the animals in there are like 5 year olds high on pixie sticks. They don't stop moving. Low light and high motion mean bad pics. Here is a tayra. And here is an otter. That smear on the right side is his face. Oh and the sloth... here you go. Allegedly that ball of fur is a real live sloth... this one too. Man, they sure live up to their namesake. Either that, or the fine folks at the Milwaukee County Zoo are duping us into thinking they actually own two sloths. It could be some fake fur wrapped around a pillow and most people would still walk by the exhibit and say, "Ooh look, a sloth!" I know I did, I even took some pictures.

Our next stop was the Fish Towne... or AquaShack or whatever. This was just as dark and the fish were just as active as the small mammals. My pictures were just as bad. Here's a fish. And some more. My camera was working hard, but the conditions were just not right. Heck, I even tried a pic with a flash... with the expected lousy results.

Maybe, I'll stick to video....

...some genius posted footage from the short-lived Black Herve reunion concert.... TURN IT UP!! God, I love these guys.

Pick up yer damn couch!



Just kidding of course. Your couch served us well for the last six or seven years...

(All of you anonymous types should now be able to Comment on this here blog.)

Diggin’ through the quarter record box at the local St. Vinnie’s I found an old out of print album that I’ve been searching for. Set Me Frehley’s solo album, “Out of Bondage.” To call this a masterpiece wouldn’t be saying enough. It’s rough and raw, hits all the right notes, and of course, sets you free.

For those who aren’t sure who Set Me is let me give you some background. He is not related to Paul “Ace” Frehley of KISS. No, Set Me was one of a trio of singers in the post-modern, post-punk, hair metal group called Black Hervé. He, along with band mates Q.C. Rockitt and Black Solid, cut a swath through the DIY rock scene of the late 80s. Armed with only a couple of tape decks, a cheap dictation microphone and a Realistic mixer, this trio from suburban Richmond, VA quite simply re-invented music.

Their detractors have always accused them of being “lame cover artists” or “those drunk Karaoke guys,” but to call them that would be a crime. The listener would obviously not be looking past the surface of their recordings. Sure, most of the time they did just sing right over top of their favorite songs, often imitating the inflexions of the original singers. But this was more than wannabe rockstar musings. Indeed, Black Hervé brought it to a whole new level, transforming the original meaning of the songs into something new and amazing.

For example, their triumphant version of KISS’s “Black Diamond” changes the simple ballad about lost girls turned prostitutes into a song about performance and singing itself, as each member of the group tries to out-sing or out-shout the other. By the end, their voices are so loud that the mix is completely distorted, resulting in a cacophony of sounds so transcendentally joyful that the listener oft times need to cleanup after hearing it. At least this writer does…

The band’s breakup was sudden and mysterious, and the trio’s post Hervé careers were varied. Most of you recall QC Rockitt famously singing a cover of Jerry Reed’s “Rainbow Ride” on the Rosie O’Donnell show, as well as his long stint as the center square on Hollywood Squares. Black Solid started a more traditional band, one that played real instruments and occasionally wrote original material before he faked his own death. For the most part, Set Me Frehley stayed out of the spotlight, made one album and then quietly retired. It is believed he now works at a golf course as an assistant groundskeeper.

Out of Bondage was an instant classic, although a lack of record company support doomed it to a life in the bargain bin. Six months after it’s initial release, Casablanca officially listed Out of Bondage, “Out of Print”. I was one of the lucky ones that bought it when it came out in 1992. Tragically, in a fit of manic comedy, I mistakenly broke it over my head at a house party a year later. I was so mad, I thought it was my old Billy Katt album… I hate thinking about that day…



From there the search was on for a replacement. Fifteen years later, here it is. And it still rocks. Playing it again a few things struck me. I forgot how short it is, the whole record clocks in at just over 16 minutes. Also, it sounds just like a Black Hervé album.

Casablanca Records and Tapes had hired Ted Templeton to produce the album. I read in an interview with Templeton, that he had wanted to ditch the old Hervé covers and get Set Me to write original songs. Although hesitant at first, Set Me did pour his heart out on one original song, the album’s opener, “Janet.” This is a moving tribute to actor Joyce DeWitt, and with it Set Me reveals a warm gentle side that isn’t on his Hervé work.

“Janet, you little sprite/ I miss you on Tuesday night/ Seeing you at the Regal Beagle/givin’ me thoughts that are illegal…

Then after that one day in the studio, Set Me disappeared. He was eventually tracked down and told that if he didn’t return to the studio he would have to pay back his advance. He showed up the next day with a cassette tape. He told Templeton that this was the album. And that he was done. These songs were tacked on after "Janet" and that was that.

After “Janet,” the album is filled with covers of Bon Jovi, Poison and KISS. These ‘covers” were in the Hervé style of him singing over the original tracks. His voice is real low on “Livin’ on a Prayer.” When asked about it, he shrugged and said, “Bon Jovi sang it great, I couldn’t compete with it…”

KISS’s Strutter is remade into a 30 second ad for ABC’s fall lineup. “Also, watch Barney Miller also on ABC with ABE VIGODAAAAAAAA!!!” Apparently, Set Me thought he had a career as a commercial jingle artist. Unfortunately, this was not to be.

Side two starts with an awesome version of “Love on the Rocks” and then the rest of the album is oddly filled with outtakes from the Hervé days. In fact the last few tracks don’t even have Set Me on them. What can I say about this album that hasn’t already been said… it’s truly an amazing piece of work. And those out there that haven’t heard it, need to do what they can to rock it…

Sadly, this version of the album doesn’t have his rare cover of Tears for Fears’ Shout. A bootleg German re-issue of the album has that as a hidden track. It is truly stunning.

Dee and Deeeeee.....

In addition to Brett "Fov" retiring, Wisconsin lost another hero yesterday as well. Lake Geneva's Gary Gygax. Thanks to coffeefortwo for pointing me towards this ridiculously long quiz thing... (hey coffee, does this count as an actual post for me? Since I basically just repackaged yours...)

Jesus' Ballz, how many gallons of Mello Yello and bushels of Red Hot Beef and Bean Burritos were downed in the creation of this thing? Hey nerdlinger, if you ask the question 4 times, you don't have to ask it again.

Anyway, if I was a D&D guy I'd be this one....

I Am A: Lawful Good Human Fighter/Paladin (2nd/2nd Level)


Ability Scores:

Strength-13

Dexterity-11

Constitution-15

Intelligence-14

Wisdom-13

Charisma-14


Alignment:
Lawful Good A lawful good character acts as a good person is expected or required to act. He combines a commitment to oppose evil with the discipline to fight relentlessly. He tells the truth, keeps his word, helps those in need, and speaks out against injustice. A lawful good character hates to see the guilty go unpunished. Lawful good is the best alignment you can be because it combines honor and compassion. However, lawful good can be a dangerous alignment because it restricts freedom and criminalizes self-interest.


Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.


Primary Class:
Fighters can be many things, from soldiers to criminal enforcers. Some see adventure as a way to get rich, while others use their skills to protect the innocent. Fighters have the best all-around fighting capabilities of the PC classes, and they are trained to use all standard weapons and armor. A fighter's rigorous martial training grants him many bonus feats as he progresses, and high-level fighters have access to special melee maneuvers and exotic weapons not available to any other character.


Secondary Class:
Paladins take their adventures seriously, and even a mundane mission is, in the heart of the paladin, a personal test an opportunity to demonstrate bravery, to learn tactics, and to find ways to do good. Divine power protects these warriors of virtue, warding off harm, protecting from disease, healing, and guarding against fear. The paladin can also direct this power to help others, healing wounds or curing diseases, and also use it to destroy evil. Experienced paladins can smite evil foes and turn away undead. A paladin's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that they can cast. Many of the paladin's special abilities also benefit from a high Charisma score.


Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

So, my son is about to turn 5. He just learned how to write his letters this year, his first year in school, or 4 year old kindergarten. I'm pretty sure that I didn't know nearly as much as he does about writing when I was four. I was still working on walking without falling. Needless to say, I'm pretty proud of the kid. Heck, his handwriting is better than mine. Just look at those letters! Sure, I'm not sure what he's writing about, maybe it's some sort of free verse.

I just wish he wouldn't write on our couch. Yeah, it's not coming out either...

In doing my comprehensive research for yesterday’s post I stumbled across two lists of “GUY MOVIES.” The first list, the 100 Best Guy Movies of All Time was written by the barely literate folks over at MAXIM. The second was 50 of the Greatest Guy Movies of All Time, and that was written by the Men's Journal. That’s a magazine I haven’t read, but I believe is about things like exercise and diet or clean livin’ or some nonsense like that… I think Mormons read it.

Anyway. I have seen 74% of the movies on Maxim’s list. Or 74 to be precise. Of the Men’s Journal List I have seen 45 out of 50, giving me a percentage of… uh…

Doesn’t matter.

These lists are old, you can tell because they do not include any film from the Will Farrell in his underwear series. I’m not even going to bother arguing the finer points of these lists, because the whole category is a bit silly. How does one attach a gender to a movie anyway? Oh, that’s right, you blow up a lot of shit up for no good reason.

The category is misnamed because we all know plenty of ladies that like things that blow up. My wife, for instance is a sucker for disaster movies, plane crashes, and end of the world scenarios. She also enjoys going to movies about traveling pants and wal-mart babies, but truth be told, so do I. I once went to Atlanta to “party” with the “guys” and we ended up watching DVDs of the Gilmore Girls for the whole weekend. It ruled.

Of the two lists, I’d have to say the religious one, the Men’s Journal, is better. Maxim decided to lump Mad Max and the Road Warrior together as one movie. This proves they are not qualified to write this list. Also, only one of the Sergio Leone Spaghetti Westerns is on the list, but somehow every Bond movie (except Never Say Never Again) is on there… The Man with No Name is a bigger badass than James Bond. To me, James Bond is a children’s show pretending to be an action-adventure series.

Plus, Maxim has an Abott and Costello Movie on there, Sirens, and, of all things, the Last Waltz… a documentary about the Band. Huh? What blows up in there? Robbie Robertson’s nose in a tragic coke accident?

Also, points go to the Men’s Journal for including the Seven Samurai and Blade. Those two movies rule for completely different reasons, but rule nonetheless.

For those keeping score at home I’ve included the movies from each list that I haven’t seen.

MAXIM’s LIST

1. Slap Shot (1977)
15. Diner (1982)
18. Bond Movies
29. Fletch (1985)
31. Blade Runner (1982)
34. Death Wish (1974)
39. Fandango (1985)
44. Blazing Saddles (1974)
51. Thief (1981)
53. The Last Waltz (1978)
61. The Last Detail (1973)
63. The Hot Rock (1972)
64. Down By Law (1964)
65. The Sting (1973)
69. The Seven-Ups (1973)
70. Ocean's Eleven (1960)
73. The Getaway (1972)
82. Bad Boys (1982)
83. Pappillon (1973)
86. Barbarella (1968)
90. Big Wednesday (1978)
91. Clerks (1994)
94. Abott and Costello Meet the Mummy (1955)
100. Sirens (1994)

MEN’S JOURNAL
15. Bullit 1968
22. BLAZING SADDLES 1974
23. THE WILD BUNCH 1969
43. SLAP SHOT 1977
50. FLETCH 1985

My morning commute often includes the sounds of grown men talking about stupid stuff. I like to think I am being informed with the latest in sporting news, but really it's just a guys version of the View. With this being a slow time of year in the world of sports, lately I’ve been getting the B-material. For the last two mornings on Mike and Mike in the Morning, Mike Golic and guest host Eric Kuselias have jabbered endlessly about the fact that Kuselias has never seen the movie Gladiator, and how as a guy, this is some kind of crime. I’m not sure what kind of guys those guys are that they would think that Gladiator is mandatory viewing, because my memories of that movie are painful. All I remember is Joaquin Phoenix whining about crap for what seemed like 3 hours, and the whole time I’m screaming at the screen, “Bring on the Pygmie fights!!”

Anyway, it got me thinking about “guy movies,” why movies are defined as such, and why there are certain movies that people feel everyone should see. And if you confess to not having seen one of these flicks the reaction you get is usually a mixture of incredulousness and pity, followed by the mandatory phrase, “Dude, you GOTTA see it!”

In a way, our cultural literacy, whether you are a man or a woman, is defined by whether or not you know things like who the Hanson Brothers are. There are certain times when we need to know these crazy pop culture references to keep up in a conversation, and if your buddy doesn’t know something, it is your job, nay your duty to get them up to speed.

I’m not above this behavior. Recently my wife was playing Tetris, and when a certain piece started to fall she said excitedly, “Ah, here’s the old Billy Baroo!!” Then she felt the need to explain, “Seeger used to call it that when we played Tetris… I’m not sure why.” After shaking my head, I wanted to run out and buy her a copy of Caddyshack.

So what’s the point of all of this? Well, it’s time for me, and hopefully you, my small handful of readers, to confess to Five or so “Guy Movies” that you have not seen, but feel like you should, whether you want to or not.

1. Slap Shot. Speaking of the Hanson Brothers. I’ve heard about this movie since it came out and my older brothers were quoting it all the time... right before they would slam me against a wall…

2. Blazing Saddles. I’ve seen about 20 minutes of it… and every time it isn’t that funny to me. Anyone who knows me knows I laugh at a lot of stupid stuff… I’ve even seen the part with the beans…

3. Fletch. Nope. Never saw it. Me and my pals from high school sucked down some wine coolers one night and saw the sequel Fletch Lives… but I’ve never seen the original.

4. Clerks. I even went to film school in the 90s, and I haven’t seen this one. Like Blazing Saddles, I’ve seen about 20 minutes here and there and I always meant to… But then I saw Chasing Amy and really never wanted to see another Kevin Smith movie.

5. Hoosiers. Yeah, I know… I just saw Rudy though, does that count?

6. Remember the Titans. Lately, this has been the ultimate, “DUDE YOU GOTTA SEE IT” movie… I'm still skeptical… let’s see, Denzel does some motivatin’, the music swells and the team wins the big game. Am I missing anything?

My pal firthofforth’s wonderful list of top 5 movies she hated last year has inspired me to make my own list. Here are the worst 2007 movies that I saw last year. I'm sure there are worse movies out there, but these are the ones I mostly saw at the theater...

1. 300. I knew this would be bad… I just knew it. And it was. From the video game graphics to the mega-phone dialogue to the neo-nazi writings of Frank Miller, this wasn’t just bad it was disgustingly bad. The lessons learned in 300 are this: handicapped people are treacherous liars, women are simply breeding containers, and homosexuals are the embodiment of all that is perverse and evil. This wanna be frat-boy manifesto should’ve been called Mein Kampf. All hail the Super-men!! Can’t wait to see what Zach will do with my all time favorite comic “the Watchmen.”

2. Transformers. I never loved the show when I was a kid, but I watched it out of a sense of Geek Duty. That show was never any good. In each episode, the Transformers would transform, then shoot about 1000 lasers at each other, some stuff would blow up, and nobody would get hurt. Cut to a commercial for the toys. So, I don’t feel like my childhood is being messed with or anything… but… seriously, Michael Bay… you dumbass. You actually had me going on this one. The first 20-25 minutes are actually entertaining. Shia LeBouf somehow pulls this off on his own. Granted, it was the same character from Disturbia, but it kinda worked. And the opening sequence in the desert is kind of cool. Then the rest of the stupid robots showed up. Good god, what a mess. At least on the cartoon show, the animators had the good sense to make each transformer a different color. When the fightin’ starts, I couldn’t tell what was going on. It’s just chaos. The only “hell yeah” moment came at the end, when a sad Optimus Prime holds up the two pieces of mangled metal that used to be his friend and screams his name in horror, “Jaaaazzzzzzzz!!!!!” How could the academy ignore that scene?

3. AVP-R. Why do I do this to myself… I blame my friend Osgood. He and I cannot say no to movies like this. Apart we can avoid the temptation, but together we bait and dare each other into actually wanting to see movies like this.
“Say Geeves, did you hear that there is a sequel to AVP?”
“Good gosh, are they truly making another 'The Alien Versus the Predator?' The first was simply dreadful.”
“Agreed. A waste of celluloid and a disgrace to the Motion Picture Industry…”
“When does it open?”
“Friday, I believe…”
“This Friday?”
“Yes. And this one is Rated R.”
A long pause, some shuffling of feet...
“Beers before or after?”
“After of course!”

4. Hot Fuzz. I liked Shaun of the Dead. Anyone who can use Queen’s Mr. Farhenheit and pull it off is alright in my book. So, I wanted to like this one. But after the first 15 minutes, I realized this should have been put out by the Scary Movie People. This movie sucked.

5. Deathproof. Awright, this isn’t completely terrible, the last 20 minutes are great. But they weren’t worth the tortuous 80 minutes of lame “Quentinesque” dialogue and “character development” leading up to it. You can just see this ritulin-filled man-child saying to whoever might listen, “and then we’ll have all these girls, smoking pot and drinking and doing stripteases(!!) to KurtfuckingRussell…wouldn’t that be cool??” No. Not really. What a boring ass stupid movie. I’m becoming a Quentin hater in my old age… This guy is worthless.