The Neighborhood Threat - WORST MOVIES OF 2007

My pal firthofforth’s wonderful list of top 5 movies she hated last year has inspired me to make my own list. Here are the worst 2007 movies that I saw last year. I'm sure there are worse movies out there, but these are the ones I mostly saw at the theater...

1. 300. I knew this would be bad… I just knew it. And it was. From the video game graphics to the mega-phone dialogue to the neo-nazi writings of Frank Miller, this wasn’t just bad it was disgustingly bad. The lessons learned in 300 are this: handicapped people are treacherous liars, women are simply breeding containers, and homosexuals are the embodiment of all that is perverse and evil. This wanna be frat-boy manifesto should’ve been called Mein Kampf. All hail the Super-men!! Can’t wait to see what Zach will do with my all time favorite comic “the Watchmen.”

2. Transformers. I never loved the show when I was a kid, but I watched it out of a sense of Geek Duty. That show was never any good. In each episode, the Transformers would transform, then shoot about 1000 lasers at each other, some stuff would blow up, and nobody would get hurt. Cut to a commercial for the toys. So, I don’t feel like my childhood is being messed with or anything… but… seriously, Michael Bay… you dumbass. You actually had me going on this one. The first 20-25 minutes are actually entertaining. Shia LeBouf somehow pulls this off on his own. Granted, it was the same character from Disturbia, but it kinda worked. And the opening sequence in the desert is kind of cool. Then the rest of the stupid robots showed up. Good god, what a mess. At least on the cartoon show, the animators had the good sense to make each transformer a different color. When the fightin’ starts, I couldn’t tell what was going on. It’s just chaos. The only “hell yeah” moment came at the end, when a sad Optimus Prime holds up the two pieces of mangled metal that used to be his friend and screams his name in horror, “Jaaaazzzzzzzz!!!!!” How could the academy ignore that scene?

3. AVP-R. Why do I do this to myself… I blame my friend Osgood. He and I cannot say no to movies like this. Apart we can avoid the temptation, but together we bait and dare each other into actually wanting to see movies like this.
“Say Geeves, did you hear that there is a sequel to AVP?”
“Good gosh, are they truly making another 'The Alien Versus the Predator?' The first was simply dreadful.”
“Agreed. A waste of celluloid and a disgrace to the Motion Picture Industry…”
“When does it open?”
“Friday, I believe…”
“This Friday?”
“Yes. And this one is Rated R.”
A long pause, some shuffling of feet...
“Beers before or after?”
“After of course!”

4. Hot Fuzz. I liked Shaun of the Dead. Anyone who can use Queen’s Mr. Farhenheit and pull it off is alright in my book. So, I wanted to like this one. But after the first 15 minutes, I realized this should have been put out by the Scary Movie People. This movie sucked.

5. Deathproof. Awright, this isn’t completely terrible, the last 20 minutes are great. But they weren’t worth the tortuous 80 minutes of lame “Quentinesque” dialogue and “character development” leading up to it. You can just see this ritulin-filled man-child saying to whoever might listen, “and then we’ll have all these girls, smoking pot and drinking and doing stripteases(!!) to KurtfuckingRussell…wouldn’t that be cool??” No. Not really. What a boring ass stupid movie. I’m becoming a Quentin hater in my old age… This guy is worthless.