The Neighborhood Threat - Guy Movies

My morning commute often includes the sounds of grown men talking about stupid stuff. I like to think I am being informed with the latest in sporting news, but really it's just a guys version of the View. With this being a slow time of year in the world of sports, lately I’ve been getting the B-material. For the last two mornings on Mike and Mike in the Morning, Mike Golic and guest host Eric Kuselias have jabbered endlessly about the fact that Kuselias has never seen the movie Gladiator, and how as a guy, this is some kind of crime. I’m not sure what kind of guys those guys are that they would think that Gladiator is mandatory viewing, because my memories of that movie are painful. All I remember is Joaquin Phoenix whining about crap for what seemed like 3 hours, and the whole time I’m screaming at the screen, “Bring on the Pygmie fights!!”

Anyway, it got me thinking about “guy movies,” why movies are defined as such, and why there are certain movies that people feel everyone should see. And if you confess to not having seen one of these flicks the reaction you get is usually a mixture of incredulousness and pity, followed by the mandatory phrase, “Dude, you GOTTA see it!”

In a way, our cultural literacy, whether you are a man or a woman, is defined by whether or not you know things like who the Hanson Brothers are. There are certain times when we need to know these crazy pop culture references to keep up in a conversation, and if your buddy doesn’t know something, it is your job, nay your duty to get them up to speed.

I’m not above this behavior. Recently my wife was playing Tetris, and when a certain piece started to fall she said excitedly, “Ah, here’s the old Billy Baroo!!” Then she felt the need to explain, “Seeger used to call it that when we played Tetris… I’m not sure why.” After shaking my head, I wanted to run out and buy her a copy of Caddyshack.

So what’s the point of all of this? Well, it’s time for me, and hopefully you, my small handful of readers, to confess to Five or so “Guy Movies” that you have not seen, but feel like you should, whether you want to or not.

1. Slap Shot. Speaking of the Hanson Brothers. I’ve heard about this movie since it came out and my older brothers were quoting it all the time... right before they would slam me against a wall…

2. Blazing Saddles. I’ve seen about 20 minutes of it… and every time it isn’t that funny to me. Anyone who knows me knows I laugh at a lot of stupid stuff… I’ve even seen the part with the beans…

3. Fletch. Nope. Never saw it. Me and my pals from high school sucked down some wine coolers one night and saw the sequel Fletch Lives… but I’ve never seen the original.

4. Clerks. I even went to film school in the 90s, and I haven’t seen this one. Like Blazing Saddles, I’ve seen about 20 minutes here and there and I always meant to… But then I saw Chasing Amy and really never wanted to see another Kevin Smith movie.

5. Hoosiers. Yeah, I know… I just saw Rudy though, does that count?

6. Remember the Titans. Lately, this has been the ultimate, “DUDE YOU GOTTA SEE IT” movie… I'm still skeptical… let’s see, Denzel does some motivatin’, the music swells and the team wins the big game. Am I missing anything?